From: RedDavid [#1]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris, Chris with the baldness and who looks like an iguana,
Fuck you. We've been talking for weeks about you and your holiday to Boston at the end of this month. We both know that your cousin was supposed to be looking up flights, but hasn't gotten round to it. I learned yesterday that you tried to buy a flight at the travel agents in the Gyle centre, but narrowly missed closing time. They were to charge you £550, £150 less than anyone else. You showed me the envelope full of cash you'd planned to take there in the morning.
And now, come afternoon time, I've been trying to call you for the past two hours to tell you that I, as I said I would, have been looking up flights, and have since found something for £382. Yes, rather a lot less than your quote. But can I get through to you to tell you this? No, because you don't have a mobile number. Why don't you have a mobile number? Because you don't own a mobile phone. Why haven't you spent £10 to buy a cheap PAYG phone so that you can have a mobile number? Because you're a fucktard.
Chris, you're a fucktard, and it's cost you lots of money.
And I want everyone else who doesn't have a mobile to take heed of this message, and to go out and buy one. Lest, you know, someone might want to get in touch with you so they can save you several hundred squid on something.
Sincerely,
David
From: Jez (THE_HATSTAND) [#2]
8 Jul 2008
To: RedDavid [#1] 8 Jul 2008
Dear Chris
I don't know you, but I bet you take a great amount of delight in telling people how cool you are for not owning a mobile phone. How it "sets you apart from the crowd" or how you'll be about the only person in the world not to get brain tumour in the next 10 years, or perhaps you read Stephen King's "Cell" and think it's real?
Whatever, you are wrong. You are a tit of the highest order. A flappy, saggy, bluey/white, vein-riddled, wrinkled tit.
Sincerely
Jez
From: Mattaeus [#3]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris,
I don't know if you're the same Chris as the chap I met during Mr Bird's last excursion to Brighton, who vomitted on a zebra crossing, but I feel like I already know you well enough to share my opinion on this matter.
I remember the day when everything had to be pre-arranged. Even making a phone call had to be agreed before making the call in order to guarentee that both parties were around to make/receive the call. I also remember the day that my Dad was given a company mobile phone, it was the size of a brick, was worth £200 and had more use as a personal weapon than a mobile telephone.
These days you can get a phone for £10, meaning you can keep in touch with friends and you become easily accessible to your friends no-matter where you are, especially when ginger-haired love monkeys find cheaper flights online and want to make you aware of this as soon as possible.
You, sir, are a cunt. Buy a phone.
Yours cuntingly,
You Cunt.
EDITED: 8 Jul 2008 by MATTAEUS
From: MrTrent [#4]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
From: Ceb (MADRASMAN) [#5]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
From: TheCastrator [#6]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris,
I used to agree with you. But then it was in 1999.
It's 2008.
Accept it.
Also, I'm at work typing this into my mobile phone right now.
You fuck.
Love and kisses,
TheCastrator.
From: Mr_Day [#7]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris,
I am deposed Nigerian Royalty and would like to interest you in a proposal. My funds have been locked away in a bank account and I need some foreign third party to access them.
If you create a bank account and deposit 30,000 of your currency into it, I will be able to use it to unlock my account and share with you my family's savings of over 30 million US Dollars.
Please deposit the money and forward to myself the account details.
Yours,
Nigerian Royalty (former)
From: pignoli [#8]
8 Jul 2008
To: RedDavid [#1] 8 Jul 2008
Dear Chris,
I would seriously consider Mr Day's offer. It really sounds too good to miss. How lucky you have no mobile phone, for if you did I bet Dave would send a message to you in order to put you off so that he could capitalise on this fantastic opportunity first. Enjoy your money, you stupid cunt.
Kindest cunts,
P
From: sacredbongo [#9]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Cunt,
You is cunt
Cuntity cunts
(p.s. buy a phone)
From: arkbar [#10]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris,
I survived a year in America without a mobile phone, because I was too lazy to get one and it then became habit. However, I was not stupid enough to put large amounts of money on me doing something at a particular time and then render myself uncontactable for a whole day.
You are a fucktard.
Sincerely, arkbarEDITED: 8 Jul 2008 by ARKBAR
From: NSA [#11]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris,
Please buy a phone so we can track your movements.
Thanks.
From: Matt (DODESKA) [#12]
8 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris
You don't have a mobile phone?
Good on you.
They are a pain in the arse. All these people talking into them all the time, interrupting a face-to-face conversation you are having with them just so they can read a crap joke someone has sent to them.
Also, it used to be really easy to spot the loony on the street. They were the one talking to themself. Now it seems that everyone is doing it, making the potential axe-wielding psycho difficult to pick out from the crowd.
Don't get a mobile phone, no matter what the rest of the world says.
Keep up the good work
Matt
ps: I have a mobile, but I hate it, and frequently ignore it if it rings when I'm not at home.
From: Ceb (MADRASMAN) [#13]
8 Jul 2008
To: Matt (DODESKA) [#12] 8 Jul 2008
From: The Saint (THESAINT21) [#14]
8 Jul 2008
To: RedDavid [#1] 9 Jul 2008
Dear chris,
While mobile phones can be very annoying they do have their uses. If you had sense to invest in on you would have been saved a quite considerable sum of money by Dave. As a result you are now considerably poorer. You have no-one else to blame but yourself. You really are a bit of twat.
Sincerely
TheSaint21
From: Matt (DODESKA) [#15]
8 Jul 2008
To: Ceb (MADRASMAN) [#13] 8 Jul 2008
Dear Ceb
Now you have a mobile it means that you can stand around waiting for them to turn up, then get a text telling you they can't make it.
Great.
Yours
Matt
From: DarthEddie [#16]
8 Jul 2008
To: RedDavid [#1] 9 Jul 2008
Dear Chris,
I've always loved you. Let me take you away from Dave's abusive words and caress your bald, tumour free, lizard shaped head until the universe inevitably collapses in on itself or we just die. Which ever comes first.
Yours,
Eddie
From: Ceb (MADRASMAN) [#17]
8 Jul 2008
To: Matt (DODESKA) [#15] 9 Jul 2008
From: RedDavid [#18]
9 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear all,
I shall print this thread out and show it to him tonight. It's the only way he will learn.
Yours,
David
From: Chairman (SMD) [#19]
9 Jul 2008
To: ALL
Dear Chris
Dirka dirka Mohammed Jihad.
Allahu Akbar.
From: Mr_Day [#20]
9 Jul 2008
To: ALL
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